Friday, April 17, 2009

That's Not My Name


Does anyone else feel extremely awkward when people call you by the wrong name? Oh God, I do. I don't know if I should correct them and make them feel stupid, or just ignore it. It makes me really uncomfortable.

The other day I had to get new tires put on my car. The guy that took my information clearly heard my full name several times as he entered my information into their computer system. Yet, for some reason he kept calling me Jennifer?? First he was just like, "Okay Jennifer, we'll get started on your car and have it right out!" I just flashed an awkward (which probably came across as confused) smile and walked into the waiting area. Jennifer? Where the hell did he get Jennifer? Kate sounds NOTHING like Jennifer. Whatever. No big deal. Until he came traipsing into the waiting area a few minutes later...

"Miss Jennifer!" he said with a huge, cheesy grin on his face, "I have some information on your car I'd like to go over with you." Again, awkward smile. Should I correct him? No, just pretend you're hard of hearing. Okay, that's over with. No harm done.

As I sat in the desolate, dirty waiting area, by myself, I started thinking. This is going to be extremely awkward when my car is finished and I have to pay. When I hand him my credit card he's going to ask for my ID. My ID clearly says Kate... not Jennifer. Then he's going to feel dumb and ask me why I didn't correct him, then I'm going to feel dumb. Oh God, what the hell. Of course this would happen to me.

Luckily, when my car was done a different gentleman retrieved me from the waiting hole to check out. We were small talking as I signed the credit card receipt and everything was fine. I was in the clear because Mr. "Jennifer" was nowhere to be seen. As I picked up my paperwork and headed for the door here he came out of left field! "Thanks for comin' in today Jennifer!"

Ugh..... I politely said thanks and went on my merry way.

You think he was just messing with me?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Today it Hit Me


We hear about "the economy" every single day in the news.  How bad it is.  How this business is filing for bankruptcy.  How this store is closing.  On and on and on.  If there were a drinking game where we had to drink every time we heard the word "economy" we'd all be wasted, all the time.  Hmm... we might be onto something here...

Anyway, I realize that things are pretty bad, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit home for me.  Let me preface.  I work for a privately owned corporation that prides itself on it's honest and compassionate treatment of it's employees.  They don't fire or layoff employees in order to downsize, instead they downsize through attrition.  This basically means that instead of firing or laying off employees they reduce numbers through retirement or resignation.  Once employees move on from a position they just don't fill that spot, therefore making the department smaller.  Today that all changed.

I got to work this morning and soon after my arrival received an email from the Vice President of my department.  It said that we would be receiving an email from the President of our company discussing the state of our company and the future of each department.  Additionally we would be required to attend mandatory meetings which would occur anytime between 8:30 am and noon.  We were to clear our schedule during that time and would receive an email 15 minutes prior to our mandatory meeting.  Immediately everyone started panicking.  We had absolutely no indication that something would be going on today.  Nothing...  Five minutes later a handful of my coworkers got their email invitation.  In the email they were instructed to go to the 5th floor and someone would meet them and tell them where they needed to go.  Two of my good friends were to attend this meeting.  One of them left without saying a word, another left, fearful, with tears in her eyes.  

A half an hour later they were still missing, then I received my invite.  Please go to the 2nd floor conference room.  Luckily one of my friends was to attend the same meeting so we walked down together.  As we walked into the room my manager and our VP were both standing outside of the conference room, talking quietly.  Neither one of them greeted us as we walked in, which is totally out of character for both of these friendly, outgoing women.  We walked in and had a seat in the silent room filled with eight other visibly nervous employees.  Shortly after taking a seat my manager entered the room, shut the door behind her and had a seat.  She looked stressed, a little frantic and sad.  We had no idea what was coming.

Basically, our company has decided that it's time to react to this economy accordingly and in order for us to survive as a stronger, more successful company it was necessary to make cuts.  There are going to be between 550 and 750 cuts in my company, and 26 of them were coming from my department directly, 6 of which were my coworkers.  Luckily, my nervous and shocked group was safe, but for those that weren't, today would be their last day with us.  I knew as soon as she said there would be cuts that it would be the first group that had their meeting.  I knew my friends were gone.  My manager read the names of the 6 team members that we would be losing.  As she reached the last few names she started crying.  Everyone started crying.  

After she gave us all of the information she had some people asked questions, some people were angry, others were just quiet.  At the end of the discussion she told us to take the time we needed if we just wanted to stay and talk or just sit, or we could go back to our office.  Nobody moved but me.  I didn't want to be there.  I wanted to see my friends.  I wanted to make sure they were ok

When I got back to my office the first group still wasn't back from their meeting.  About 20 minutes later they finally returned.  I heard my neighbor packing up his office and I didn't know what to do.  What do you tell your friend, your teammate, that just lost their job.  No advanced warning, nothing that was deserved due to their poor performance or conduct.

One of my friends was recently married.  Her and her husband just bought a new house.  I just hope so bad that she can find happiness and not have to worry about her new home or her family's well being.  My other friend... him and his wife have been trying, unsuccessfully, to have a baby.  A few months ago they started in vitro and he told me how expensive it is.  Their first attempt ended in a miscarriage.  He told me today that they were planning to start trying again this Sunday, but now with 1/2 the family income, that won't be possible.  Another one of my friends that were let go has 2 kids, both of which are on her insurance plan.  The other one that was let go has been gone from work for a week... because his wife just had a baby.  

It was a really tough day at work.  Everyone was crying, whispering, ducking, packing.  Everyone has questions.  Nobody has answers because nobody knows.  As much as I complain about my job I'm thankful that I wasn't one of the people who had the rug pulled out from under them today.  Supposedly my department was one of the first to get the cut and after today we should be safe, but who knows.   

Sunday, April 12, 2009

"You're Gonna Love My Nuts"


I usually hate infomercials, but you just can't deny the talent of Mr. Vince Shlomi.  I absolutely love this guy.  He's a total douche bag that I want to be friends with.  I can totally picture this guy at a party- getting beat up.  I want to know him.  

Vince is the ShamWow guy.  You know... this guy...


When I first saw these infomercials I'm not gonna lie, I wanted a ShamWow.  First of all, the dude is wearing a Britney Spears mike around his head and looks like a complete weasel.  I mean, surely the set had boom mikes, I don't think the headset was necessary.  Love it.  Plus his hair is super silly, especially considering that the guy is 44 years old!  That's the hairdo of a 20 year old!  Haha, I love this guy.  Everything happens so quick in this commercial, Vince is wiping up everything under the sun and doesn't miss a beat!  I want one.  Well... a friend of mine did buy one and they suck.  In fact, his are laying out in the backyard getting rained on where he tossed them months ago.  Well, that's too bad.  Guess I won't be seeing much more of Vince.

Until I stumbled across this fine gem...


Dear God.  That was hands down the best infomercial I have ever seen.  When it first came on TV I'm not gonna lie, I was so excited to see Vince again.  What's even more beautiful about this ad is the camera angles and effects are getting fancier.  They're mixing it up with the super fast zoom in/zoom out effect.  I can't stop laughing the whole time this turd is talking.  Let's highlight some key phrases:

"This tuna look boring.  Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life."
"You're gonna love my nuts." 
"This is makin' you cry, you're makin' me cry.  Life's hard enough as it is, you don't wanna cry anymore."
"Tacos, fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini."

And let's not forget his amazing shooting abilities as he casually tosses the Slap Chop over his head and makes it RIGHT into the sink.  Ha!  Billy Mays has got some serious competition on his hands.  

To top off the hilarity that is Vince Shlomi, let's talk about the most recent news Mr. ShamWow has made.  Apparently Vince paid a Miami hooker $1000 for a good time.  However, I guess kissing on the mouth was an extra upcharge because when he attempted to do so she bit the hell out of his tongue and wouldn't let go.  He then proceeded to beat the crap out of her.  Wow.  Tough break Vincent.  You would think a guy as cool as the SlapChop guy wouldn't have to pay for his ladies.  And, can you imagine if you were a hooker and this guy propositioned you!  I'm not sure if that would be the high or low point of my career.


The point is that Vince was right, I do love his nuts.  I wanna be his friend.  I'd like to ask him why he can't find his own women and has to resort to hookers because he's clearly too cool for that.  And I want a SlapChop... with a free Graty as well.  

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dear Walmart...


Dear Walmart,

We used to be good friends. You used to be my go-to guy when it came to a convenient one-stop shop. But now, things have changed. You're an asshole, and I refuse to visit you anymore. I'm sure that you have plenty of crazy customers to occupy your time and you haven't even noticed that I haven't visited you in months, but one day you'll miss me... I just know it.

Despite the fact that you enjoy putting our local stores out of business and the minor detail about employing illegal immigrants and treating them like crap, I still remained a faithful shopper for years. But, all of that changed last Christmas... all I needed was a tricycle...

I stopped by the Walmart just down the street for some last minute Christmas shopping. I really only needed a couple of gifts for my nephew and a some other random items. I figured it would be a quick in and out errand. Boy was I wrong.

As I approached the entrance I noticed there were no carts outside, or inside the door. Not a big deal, it is Christmastime after all. So, I headed towards the other entrance in pursuit of a cart. When I got there I was greeted with the same desolate, cold, cement breezeway and no carts. Are you kidding me? Ok... let's improvise. Surely I can juggle a tricycle and other various toys through this ridiculously packed zoo, right?

The toy aisles were absolutely insane. Not only were most of the shelves empty or the product was shoved so far back they were unreachable but there were so many people crammed in the aisles that you couldn't see the product even if it was there! And by "people" i mean rude, pushy assholes who clearly never saw that I was standing there... ever. Whatever, grab the loot and go.

I headed towards the registers, weighed down by all of the junk I was holding. My fingers were turning purple and my arms were aching from awkwardly trying to hold everything without looking like an idiot. When I got to the registers I was grateful that I could use the express lane, because God knows your cashiers aren't much for the hustle. The express lane was an absolute joke. I could have gotten through that line faster by stealing each item I was trying to purchase individually, serving the jail time, and then going back to steal the next item, and so on. The best part about this speedy process that you're running is that from where I was standing I counted 16 open check out lanes. SIXTEEN!?!?!? Sweet Jesus this has to be a joke. If you're not going to have all of your lanes open for Christmas then when the hell do you plan on using them!?

To top it off, the entire 35 minutes I was in line to purchase this crap that I convinced myself I didn't need that bad after all, there was this horrible rendition of a Christmas carol ringing in my ears. When I finally made it to the checker I realized that it wasn't some cheesy Muzak soundtrack, but instead it was a homeless amputee loitering in her wheelchair near the exits screaming Christmas songs. What... the... hell...

Even the checker was annoyed. As i loaded my items on the counter he muttered "Dear God, shut UP!" When I laughed, he quickly apologized because he didn't realize I heard him. Come to find out, this charming lady had been serenading these pitiful Walmart patrons for over an hour. The same songs, over and over and over. And for some reason, nobody asked her to leave? I mean, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Get me the hell out of here.

So in short, I'm done with you. You make my life a little bit more pathetic every time I am in your store. For now, I have taken my business to Target where there are plenty of carts and open lanes, helpful employees and plenty of stock, oh, and no crazy people screaming at me while I wait in line for 35 minutes. Adios Walmart, you're in good company just the way you are.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Music Video

A' got a new laptop with a webcam. This is me messing around on it. I think it will be my claim to fame one day. Enjoy.