Dear Walmart...

Dear Walmart,

We used to be good friends. You used to be my go-to guy when it came to a convenient one-stop shop. But now, things have changed. You're an asshole, and I refuse to visit you anymore. I'm sure that you have plenty of crazy customers to occupy your time and you haven't even noticed that I haven't visited you in months, but one day you'll miss me... I just know it.

Despite the fact that you enjoy putting our local stores out of business and the minor detail about employing illegal immigrants and treating them like crap, I still remained a faithful shopper for years. But, all of that changed last Christmas... all I needed was a tricycle...

I stopped by the Walmart just down the street for some last minute Christmas shopping. I really only needed a couple of gifts for my nephew and a some other random items. I figured it would be a quick in and out errand. Boy was I wrong.

As I approached the entrance I noticed there were no carts outside, or inside the door. Not a big deal, it is Christmastime after all. So, I headed towards the other entrance in pursuit of a cart. When I got there I was greeted with the same desolate, cold, cement breezeway and no carts. Are you kidding me? Ok... let's improvise. Surely I can juggle a tricycle and other various toys through this ridiculously packed zoo, right?

The toy aisles were absolutely insane. Not only were most of the shelves empty or the product was shoved so far back they were unreachable but there were so many people crammed in the aisles that you couldn't see the product even if it was there! And by "people" i mean rude, pushy assholes who clearly never saw that I was standing there... ever. Whatever, grab the loot and go.

I headed towards the registers, weighed down by all of the junk I was holding. My fingers were turning purple and my arms were aching from awkwardly trying to hold everything without looking like an idiot. When I got to the registers I was grateful that I could use the express lane, because God knows your cashiers aren't much for the hustle. The express lane was an absolute joke. I could have gotten through that line faster by stealing each item I was trying to purchase individually, serving the jail time, and then going back to steal the next item, and so on. The best part about this speedy process that you're running is that from where I was standing I counted 16 open check out lanes. SIXTEEN!?!?!? Sweet Jesus this has to be a joke. If you're not going to have all of your lanes open for Christmas then when the hell do you plan on using them!?

To top it off, the entire 35 minutes I was in line to purchase this crap that I convinced myself I didn't need that bad after all, there was this horrible rendition of a Christmas carol ringing in my ears. When I finally made it to the checker I realized that it wasn't some cheesy Muzak soundtrack, but instead it was a homeless amputee loitering in her wheelchair near the exits screaming Christmas songs. What... the... hell...

Even the checker was annoyed. As i loaded my items on the counter he muttered "Dear God, shut UP!" When I laughed, he quickly apologized because he didn't realize I heard him. Come to find out, this charming lady had been serenading these pitiful Walmart patrons for over an hour. The same songs, over and over and over. And for some reason, nobody asked her to leave? I mean, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Get me the hell out of here.

So in short, I'm done with you. You make my life a little bit more pathetic every time I am in your store. For now, I have taken my business to Target where there are plenty of carts and open lanes, helpful employees and plenty of stock, oh, and no crazy people screaming at me while I wait in line for 35 minutes. Adios Walmart, you're in good company just the way you are.