It's that time of year again, my friends, for us to come face to face with the worst job in America. I know that there are plenty of horrible jobs out there, trash man, poultry plant worker, prostitute, but I sincerely believe this one tops them all. Yes friends, meet the Liberty Tax mascot.
Every single time I drive past one of these poor individuals I feel incredibly sorry for them. Not only are they forced to wear a horrible, heinous outfits, but they are also forced to brave the elements, shouting, flying objects, as well as the possibility of an accidental run-in with their better-off-without-them-ex-significant-other. Let's examine what it takes to be a Liberty Tax mascot.
First things first, you can't deny how awful these outfits are. I mean, they are just downright embarrassing. And you can't win with them either. You can either choose (and I'm really not even sure if they have a choice in the matter!) between the weird-looking mascot outfits with the misproportioned heads and tiny arms that look like they will topple over at any moment or the costumes without the gigantic head pieces that leave you subject to public embarrassment because everyone can see your face. I can't tell which is the lesser of two evils.
Second, you have to wave, constantly, all day long. Sometimes I can see them waving from a mile away when no other cars are in sight. I see you. I do. I'm just trying not to look for your sake. And just because you're out here waving at me doesn't mean I'm trusting you with my taxes. The exact opposite actually. If this is what the outside is like I'd hate to see what kind of clowns are on the inside. I'm also wondering if you get paid more to dance around like a drunk buffoon. Or maybe I'm just way off base and those people actually love their jobs. Who knows. But on occasion you'll see ol' Lady Liberty or Uncle Sam gettin' down on the corner of 39th and Noland like it's a Soul Train audition. No joke. Whatever you're on, I'd like some.
Third, who makes their employees stand out on the street corner in freezing sleet at 6:45 in the morning when it's barely even light enough to see them? Those poor saps. I know those polyester red, white and blue costumes can't be that warm. And that foam liberty spike headpiece is not a sufficient tool for keeping the heat in either. Not only the cold but these guys will be out there in the scorching heat too. Just sweating and probably wanting a water break but no, there are cars that need to be waved at. Small children that need to be frightened. So you better stay out there and man your post like a good mascot would.
The bottom line is, each time I see one of these sad little tax creatures I want to swoop them up in my car and take them far, far away where nobody will ever know the embarrassment they've suffered and the frostbite they've endured. A place where you're free to wear whatever you want and waving is optional. I guess until then, they'll just have to wait until April 15th for freedom. Until next year anyway...
No comments:
Post a Comment