I Can't Win...

It's really starting to feel like sometimes I just can't win. For the past two years now it's one thing after another after another... it's really getting ridiculous. I just wonder when my family, and me, are going to get a break. Anytime would be nice.

Two years ago, days before Thanksgiving, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. A few weeks later, on the way to visit him in the hospital, my brand new car (and by brand new I mean it had 4 miles on it when I bought it 3 weeks earlier) was rear-ended by a drunk driver. The cops never showed up, we waited for 3 hours. We finally let the drunk lady leave and went to the police station ourselves to file a police report. That took another two hours. A couple of weeks later, 4 days before Christmas, my dad died.

All of this pretty much explains my dislike for the holidays. I never used to hate the holidays, but it's hard not to anymore. My dad dying has been brutal on my family. It's been a constant uphill struggle, mostly for my mom, and it's hard to imagine the day when all of us will be happy again. My mom and dad were together for almost 25 years. They were truly in love. My dad was the breadwinner of the family working every day in 100 degree heat doing construction. My mom was working as a preschool teacher for the school district, but as soon as my dad died work was the last thing on her mind.

At first, there was shock. My mom, really all of us, just kind of wandered around in a daze, not really sure how to progress. Soon, my mom found solace in her hometown which is about an hour north of where we live. She started staying there with her mom and my uncle pretty much every night for a year. During this time I didn't see her much, and I was also left, alone, in the house where we all used to live... with my dad. It was pretty hard.

When your parent is struggling, you immediately turn into the parent, and they become the child. It's a really hard situation, and one that nobody ever hopes for, you're more so forced into. During my mom's absence she also started drinking a lot. Before my dad died my mom rarely drank. I never even saw her drink at all until I was about 21, and event then it was very, very rare. Now, she was going out every single night, drinking with friends, staying up all hours of the night, drunk dialing me, driving home. It was unbearable. I couldn't decide whether to be concerned, mad, sad, angry, I just didn't know what to do.

Finally, my mom moved back home. And eventually I moved out with A', which in hindsight probably made things harder on my mom too. Her work was very understanding about her grief and basically told her if or when she wanted to come back she was welcome. We tried encouraging her to take the full-time position they offered her but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was too depressed. I was basically funding her life. How do you tell your mom you can't help her with any money this month because you need her to get off her ass and get a job. Or because you know she'll just spend it on alcohol. It's pretty much impossible.

Things are starting to get a little better with my mom. She's finally decided to go to grief counseling next month so hopefully that goes well. But the past couple of years have been rough...

A couple of months ago, on the way to breakfast, a mini-van pulled out in front of me and I slammed right into them. Awesome. Two wrecks in two years. Not so much a brand new car anymore. That's been a huge headache that I'm still dealing with. I don't know how my insurance didn't total my car considering the damages totaled over $10,000. The car is fixed, my shoulder's not, the insurance is still giving me the runaround. I'm sick of it.

For the past six months or so my brother and sister-in-law have been trying for baby number 2. Baby number1 came unexpectedly, so we all assumed baby number 2 would be just as easy. Not the case. Months ago she had a positive home pregnancy test. We were all excited. By the time she went in for the first doctor's appointment she was no longer pregnant. A few months later, same thing. Positive home test, lost it by the time she went to the doctor. It was really sad, and frustrating. About a month ago we found out again that she was pregnant. This time they waited to tell us the news until after they had their first doctor's appointment. They heard a heartbeat, set a due date, and got a tini, tiny sonogram picture. We were all over the moon.

We were all hoping for a girl to add to the family, picking out our favorite names, spreading the good news. Wednesday I was over there visiting and noticed that she was starting to show. She was glowing. I was so, so happy for them that after two disappointments this time it was finally going to happen. Thursday they went in for their 10 week appointment. An hour or so later my brother texted me at work.

Brother: "Call me when you can."

Me: "We're super busy at work right now, I can call you when I'm off or you can text me?"

Brother: "We went in to the doctor today and there was no heartbeat :("

When is it our turn? When do we get a break?

When?