Mission Impossible: Bum Hunt

Being that this was the first day of my try something new mission, I wanted to start off with a bang.  I quickly realized that I didn't have many "bang" ideas.  Well, I think most of my ideas sound like cool things to try out, but I don't think they would translate into anything worth reading that's for sure.  Either way... I woke up this morning, refreshed, no not refreshed, I can never get enough sleep, but eager to try something out of my element.

My first thought was vegetarianism.  I could just try being a vegetarian for a day, I mean, I've got friends and relatives who do it for years surely I can handle a day.  Then I realized there was turkey in the fridge I wanted to eat before it went bad, plus the chicken salads at work are great.  Scratch that idea.  Onto plan B. I can call long lost friends and relatives that I've been putting off and catch up with them.  Well after talking on the phone for 8 hours at work that idea sounded like hell so I moved to plan C.  Considering that half my day was over I realized that this feat was going to have to be something that wouldn't occupy more than a few hours, maybe something that was quick hitting but still effective to my point.  Then it hit me.  Why not give some money to a homeless person!

Let me preface.  If you know me, which I'm sure none of you do (ah, who am I kidding, nobody is even reading this)  you would know that I have a strict stance on homeless people that can be summed up in 3 words: get.a.job.  I know there are always situations and things are always more complicated than they seem, yadda yadda yadda, but I also watch Intervention on A&E and I know that a lot of homeless people spend their money they get from charitable strangers on booze and drugs.  Now, I'm not saying all of them do, but I think I have had one too many encounters with the no good ones than the good ones.

For example, my sister-in-law used to work at a restaurant in downtown KC.  After work one day she was walking to her car with a huge piece of cake she had taken from work.  As she sat down in the driver's seat and tried to shut her door she was greeted by a dirty, smelly, giant bum who had taken it upon himself to barricade her into her car by standing in between her door and the car.  Scared out of her mind she asked the giant homeless fellow if she could help him.  He, naturally, pulled out his usually repertoire, "Oh, I'm so hungry... my baby... lost my job... I'm a veteran..." nonsense.  She, being the kind samaritan that she is, offered up her delicious chocolate cake to the scary man hoping this would suffice.  He thanked her graciously and went on his way.  Scared out of her fucking mind, she quickly shut her door and drove off.  As she rounded the corner she glanced at the bum in her rear view and saw him smell the cake and toss it over his shoulder onto the ground!?  I guess chocolate cake doesn't buy you a speedball these days.

I digress... so based on my preconception of homeless people, I thought I would try to set all of this aside and give them a few bucks.  After all, for some miraculous reason I was carrying cash today anyway, why not.  I figured this would be so simple.  I work downtown and drive past at least 5 prospects everyday.  Of course, they all must have been in a meeting today because I didn't see a god damned one.  I get home from work, disappointed but still think that maybe I'll run into one in this quaint little suburb I live in.  

What better place to cruise for bums than Walmart?  Actually, I didn't go looking for them, I had to drop off some film to be developed and on the way back to the car I finally saw one!  But I panicked!  I didn't know what to do.  He wasn't begging.  He was just chillin in the parking lot with his grocery cart full of shit.  I didn't want to just offer him money if he wasn't asking, it seemed condescending.  So I made awkward eye contact, almost tripped over my feet and speed off to my car.  Dammit!  Missed opportunity.  Ok, I'll find another one before the night is out.  No.... not a single one, ANYWHERE.  This town was dry.  It got so bad that I think I started profiling people as bums in hopes that I could just throw some crumpled dollars at them to make myself feel better.

Eventually I gave up.  I was heading out to meet A, my fiance, and some of his buddies for a beer when I started thinking of ways to write my failed attempt at helping the homeless today.  I could talk about my attempts to hunt them down only to be disappointed with the outcome.  I could maybe even talk about how the homeless are dwindling away from Kansas City, after all, I was a beautiful day for pan handling and not a single one in sight.  And then there he was.  I saw him standing under a tree near a busy QuickTrip holding a sign.  I was a little thrown off by this guy because he didn't look like your typical bum.  In fact, he had a dog, and was propped up against a truck.  I couldn't make out what his sign said so I decided to pull into the QuickTrip and check it out on the way out.  I ran inside and grabbed a water, anxious at what was about to happen. It sounds so dumb but I was seriously nervous!?  What was I supposed to say?  "Uh, here ya go, good luck."  or "I worked all week to give you a couple bucks."  or "Hope you enjoy your Milwaukee's Best, I know I won't."  I had no idea.  

I hopped back in my car and slowly turned out of the parking lot right next to the man with the sign.  As I slowed down at the stoplight and rolled down my window I got a clear view of the sign he had scribbled on an old piece of cardboard.

"NEED GAS MONEY TO GET HOME.  ANYTHING HELPS.  THANKS."

The man came charging to the window, he genuinely looked appreciative.  I leaned over to the passenger's side window and handed him the only 4 bucks I had in my wallet.  "Thank you so much, thank you.  Thank you." And I smiled back and said, "You're welcome."  And that was that.  I turned onto the highway and I was on my way.  But how ironic?  All day I have been searching for a homeless person and in the end all I could find was a man, with a home, but no means of getting there.  Is this what our society has come to?  We can't even afford to enjoy the homes we have worked so hard for?  I wonder where he was headed.  I wonder why he had his dog.  Hopefully not as a ploy to get animal loving ladies to give him some spare change because it definitely worked.  

Let's hope tomorrow is a little more promising.  Goodnight.