I've Been Neglecting You

So, I saw this picture of Valerie Bertinelli on the cover of People magazine the other day and it made me realize that I hadn't blogged in a long time. I know, seeing Valerie Bertinelli is a weird reason to remember my blog but if you've seen the picture you'll understand. Here...
Do you see the problem here? I do. The lady is 48 years old with a belly button ring. Come on... really? Don't get me wrong, she looks amazing for her age and props for her for losing all of that weight but I'm thinkin' maybe you should have lost that belly button ring about, oh.... 20 years ago? So, let's add this to my "when are you too old?" list.


Belly button ring aside, it's been too long blog and I apologize for neglecting you, so let's get down to business. What's new...


I broke my toe Saturday night. That wasn't cool. It still isn't very cool actually. I was running down our carpeted stairs at home in pantyhose and I quickly learned is that pantyhose doesn't have much traction to them. I slipped on the second stair and went flying into the wall, all the way down the stairs. Ouch. It was ridiculous and immediate pain. Hours later I was still laying in bed crying, I think I fell asleep crying. Now my middle toe looks like a purple vienna sausage. Yummy. The thing that sucks is that you can't really do much for a broken toe, I've learned. The advice everyone has given me is to tape it to my other toe, which i think is weird. I went a couple of days just limping around but this morning I decided to give this "buddy taping" method a try. It's weird.


I think the reason they say to do this is so your toe grows back in line with the rest of your toes. In the words of A', "so it's not just hangin' out off to the side." I'm not quite sure where my middle toe is going to go, but I tried it anyway. Now it's even weirder to walk and I could barely fit my foot in my shoe. Oh well.


One of the reasons I haven't written in a while is because they decided to implement this new "no internet" rule at work. Yes, I'm at work right now, forgive me. They basically told us that we couldn't do ANYTHING unless it was work related or we were on break. So, even when we're slow, caught up on work and there is nothing to do, we have to find something to do. No internet, no reading books, no text messaging, nothing. I think they want us to sit here and stare at a blank computer screen. It's dumb. I'm rebelling.


I was telling A' a funny story about my dad the other day. It was a story about how ornery him and his brother used to be as kids. In the town where he grew up they used to have a convenient store that would deliver. My dad used to call the store and pretend to be his dad and order beer. When the delivery man would come by with the beer my dad would tell the guy that his dad was in the shower- every single time. A' and I laughed about it, then he asked me, "Did his dad ever find out?" I don't know.... I realized that I'll probably never know the answer to that question, or the outcome to his other stories because I can't ask my dad anymore. It's a very surreal feeling.


And on a happier note, one of my best friends is getting married in a month and this weekend is the bachelorette party. I'm really excited to see all of my friends and have some girl time. Alcohol+High Heels+Broken Toe= ??? Should be interesting...

The Case of the Mystery Watermelon

I have this memory from my childhood from when I was about 7 or 8 years old.  I remember it, because it was such an exciting moment in my life.  I was sitting around with my brothers eating some delicious watermelon, when we got the wise idea that we should try planting the seeds to see if we could grow our own watermelon.  

When we were done eating we gathered up our seeds and headed out to my dad's tomato garden in the backyard.  We spread out the seeds and gave them some water then headed back inside, excited about our accomplishments.  

The very next day we were anxious to check out the progress that our watermelon garden had made (come on, we were little ok?)  To our shock and awe there, sitting amongst the tomato vines and fresh soil, was a shiny, full grown, delicious-looking watermelon.  Amazing!  We were SO excited.  I remember running inside to show our parents what we had done.  We still have pictures of my brothers and me posing with our cats in front of our masterpiece.  We were the best green thumbs in town.  

It wasn't until about... oh... 4 years ago that we learned that we didn't actually grow the watermelon, instead, our dad purchased a watermelon from the store and put it in the garden.  Boy did we feel dumb.  Yes, looking back I realize that you can't grow a watermelon overnight, but when you're that young anything is possible.  I must say that when our parents told us the truth about the mystery watermelon (through their laughter) we were all pretty disappointed.  We felt scammed.  Apparently we aren't the great watermelon producers that we thought we were for so many years.  Oh well.  I guess our parents' intentions were good.  Maybe they should have kept the lie alive.

The moral of this story is if you lie to your children, keep lying to them.  As ridiculous as the lie is, just don't tell them the truth... for their pride's sake.  :D

Don't Fart in Front of My Fiance

On the way home from the gym tonight A' told me a funny story.  I'm still cracking up about it.  Something is wrong with this kid...

Last week in one of his classes he had a big test that he had been stressing himself out about.  As he sat in the classroom waiting for class to start he heard some of the freshmen in his class (yes, he is unfortunate enough to have class with freshmen) talking behind him and cracking up about something.  As they kept laughing he got more and more irritated, and then he smelled a fart.  He quickly realized that the kids behind him were farting and laughing about it.  Classic.  Normally A' would just ignore nonsense like this but apparently he was in rare form today and quickly whipped around to give them a piece of his mind.  The following dialogue is priceless...

A:  "Hey!?  What the hell's wrong with you!?  

(Freshmen starring in shock...)

A:  "Did YOU shit your pants?!?" (pointing ferociously towards one of the no longer laughing kids)

A:  "Huh!?  Did you?!!"

(Kid, frightened to death, rapidly shakes his head no)

A:  (towards the other culprit)  "Did YOU shit your pants?!?" (pointing his finger in the other kids face)

Neither kid responded, just starred in shock.  As he turned around wondering what he would have done if one of them actually said "yes" he heard another student a few rows over whisper "What's wrong with him?!"  

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!!!  For those of you who don't know A', this is NOT typical behavior for this man.  Well, maybe when he was 17, but he's definitely not 17 anymore, nor does he ever feel it necessary to make a scene when people fart around him.  When he told me this story I was crying I was laughing so hard.  Whew.  That's a good laugh.  After all was said and done he passed his test with flying colors.  His instructor even said he did an "excellent job".  He's much less stressed now as well, so that's good.  

Just don't fart around him when he's stressed out and expect to get away with it.

The Mullet

Living in the MidWest it's very common to see a mullet on a regular basis.  However, I'm sure these heinous do's aren't consolidated to these parts alone.  I just don't get it.  Why do people still have mullets?!

I realize that at one point in history this hair creation was popular (why, I'm not sure) but that time has passed.  First of all, it's not like this hairdo is comfortable.  Being a female with long hair I know how hot and annoying it can get.  If I were a guy I would definitely have short hair.  So why not just trim up the back for a regular hair cut?  Second, mullets are clearly a source for amusement and endless jokes.  If you know the haircut you posses is a horrible joke, why would you want it?  I can't understand it.  

If anyone can explain to me the pros of having a mullet I would love to hear it because, for the life of me, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around this one. 

The Friend Stealer

Ok, pardon me for being a little worked up today. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but I have to get it out because she's becoming notorious. You know the one I'm talking about, the friend stealer.

I understand that people introduce people and meet people through friends, but do you ever have that friend who perpetually tries to weasel in on all of your best friends!? Not just a casual work buddy that you introduce them to that they want to be friends with but they move in on your closest friends. And not just one of them, every single one of them. They attack from all angles! Sigh...

I've got a friend stealer in my life, and I try to justify it by saying that she just likes attention, but it's getting really out of hand and annoying. In fairness, I did meet her through a friend, but technically here's how it went down. She was dating A's best friend so we ended up being the only girls whenever we all hung out so naturally, we became friends. Eventually her and the guy broke up and we've continued our friendship.

In order to try and save myself from sounding the least bit rude or whiny, I'll try to sum up the reasons of her more recent annoyances as quickly as possible. Whenever she wants to hang out with me but can't get ahold of me, she calls/texts my best friend to hang out. Rude. Not rude that she's trying to steal my best friend, rude that she's trying to find me through my best friend. She's constantly calling/texting A' to hang out, even if I've already told her my or our plans for the night. She went on a date with A's brother last night. What the hell, really!? Get out of my bubble!

Am I the only one who has a problem with these people? Probably... I'm rude.

**Update!**

As I was texting my best friend the latest antics of the friend stealer, friend stealer herself texts me and asks me what's going on this weekend.  She's off on Saturday so we should "do somethin fun!"  I told her that I was going to be out of town.  As I was texting my best friend, "watch, now she'll text you or A' to hang out this weekend since I'm not around" friend stealer interrupted my text by texting my best friend, "Hey, what's goin on this weekend?  I'm off work on Saturday so we should do somethin fun!"  Really????  Really.

Addiction

It all started with the snuggies. And now it's snowballing. I can't stop shopping online. It's just too easy! I think my main problem is that I get really bored at work so it starts out with just browsing. That turns into needless purchases and me having my credit card number, expiration date and security code on the back of my card memorized. Gulp. Is that unhealthy?

I found this a-maz-ing website that I would highly recommend to all my lady friends (guys, I guess you can partake if you're into wearing make up). It's ELF make up and basically, it's every kind of make up you've ever dreamed of, all for a dollar a piece. How can you pass that up!? Well, I can assure you that I didn't pass it up.

Next, I thought it was necessary to order a new Victoria's Secret swimming suit online. You know, as motivation to get in shape, right? Or, maybe I had to get it before they went on back order? Or before every other girl had the same one as me? Either way, online purchase, cha ching....

I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time on Overstock.com lately. That place has everything, it's insane. I'm considering buying a new comforter/bed set but it's kind of difficult to decide if you'd want to sleep on something without being able to touch it. What if I get it and it's like sandpaper? Ah, who am I kidding, I'm sure I'll buy one soon.

I just ordered a ring.

What's next?

(ps- TOTALLY recommend the Snuggie for anyone who is lazy like me. best Christmas gift ever, haha!)

Mom Of The Year Award

A few months ago I was doing some shoe shopping at Marshall's when I had an encounter with the greatest mother of all time.  I mean, this lady was a real gem.  I was minding my own business, trying on a few different pairs of shoes that I didn't need to be buying, when I heard children screaming to my right.  I didn't want to be judgmental, so I just gave a quick glance in their direction to scope out the situation and went back to my shoe fitting.  

They were only about 10 feet to my right, 2 small children sitting in a shopping cart and their mother completely ignoring them while cruising for shoes.  I could hear one of the kids telling mom that he had to go to the bathroom, but she gave some nonchalant response implying that he just needed to hold it.  Then the other child tried to help out, telling the mom that he really needed to go, but again, mommy needs new shoes.  So the kids were left to their own accord while their mom just kept shushing them while looking at shoes.  

Well, at this point I thought, "rude", but it wasn't my place to interject, so I kept shopping.  Until I heard something unsettling which stopped me dead in my tracks.  It sounded like one of the kids knocked over a soda or bottle that was spilling all over the floor.  It last for about a minute, and I just couldn't help it, I had to look.  The little boy peed his pants.  Right now I'm shocked, I was probably starring, waiting for the mother to take control of the situation, but clearly that was asking too much.  

After another minute or so their mother finally noticed what had happened and started yelling at the little boy.  I believe her words are "sit down and shut up."  So now, the little boy is crying, the girl is confused, and mommy is still shopping.  There is a huge puddle of urine on the floor.  After another few minutes mom casually wheels the shopping cart back to the front of the store, completely avoiding the huge mess on the floor, removes the kids, and leaves.  And I KNOW she saw the puddle on the ground.  I was shocked.  I couldn't believe it.  I was not in the mood to try on shoes anymore, plus I would have had to climb over the puddle in the process, no thanks.  So I left. 

In short, I wanted to take this opportunity to unofficially give the mom of the year award to this fantastic woman.  You left in such a rush that I didn't get a chance to tell you what a great woman you are.  Your children are so, so lucky to have a mom like you.  We can only hope that they grow up to be a fraction of the person you are today.  Oh, and you've ruined shoe shopping at Marshall's for me for eternity.  Thanks for that too.