Clown Car Uterus

The Duggar's are expecting their 19th baby...

God, I hate them.

Yum Yum

Is it just me, or do calcium pills taste like ice cream?

Maybe it's just my imagination...

Things I Don't Understand...

There are some things in this world that I'll never understand. No matter how hard I try, I just don't get it. Please, help me understand:

• Grown women who wear pigtails, especially when your hair is long enough for an age-appropriate pony tail
• Large women with tiny purses
• People who legitimately use the word "ain't"
• Mullets... seriously?

More to come...

Karma

I was getting ready for work yesterday. Make-up: check; hair: check; accidentally stolen earrings: check. As I go to put on my newly purchased Target shirt (a cute tank I've been eyeing for months, on sale for $9.oo) I realized something looked a little.... off. It's one of those shirts that's bunches at the neckline. However, the bunch on this one is noticeably to the far left. Not intentionally. I think this was you standard, run-of-the-mill case of Karma. Free earrings=defective shirt.

Yes, I wore the shirt to work anyway.

Let's All Go To The Movies!

It's funny to have conversations with people about movies. We'll get on the topic of a movie that EVERYONE has seen and I've never seen any of them. People are usually shocked by this revelation. I think I need to change that. I think I'm going to make a list of movies that I haven't seen that I need to see. Maybe then I can keep up with movie conversations and kick some ass at those movie trivia games. Here are the movies that I've never seen. Feel free to add your suggestions:

Pulp Fiction

Schindler's List

Any of the Godfather's

Any of the Harry Potter's

Any of the Lord of the Rings

Boogie Nights

Citizen Kane

Any of the Silence of the Lamb's series... no.. I take that back... I saw the first one, that's it

The Shawshank Redemption

I saw one of the Star Wars... I don't even remember which one

Ok, we'll start with those. I'm sure someone will drop their jaw at me soon and I'll be able to add another one to my list. Yay for excuses to watch movies!

I Accidentally Stole Something

I accidentally stole a pair of earrings from Target today. It was totally an accident! When I got to the car and was unloading all of my junk, I realized the earrings were stuck at the bottom of the cart. They were under the 50 pound bag of dog food which was under the 50 pound bag of cat food. By the time I realized it I was already out at the 600th parking space in the 88 degree heat. I was sweaty from the gym and I was starving. They were 10 dollars. Come on... Maybe I'll give them an extra 10 dollars when I go back next week. Maybe this was my gift for the millions of dollars I've spent there over time :)

The funny thing is, I never steal anything. I feel pretty guilty about it.

Eh, I'm over it.

Stitch Me Up

I think I might be falling apart. First I broke my toe, and I'm fairly certain it will remain strange looking for the rest of my life. It looks nothing like it's matching toe on my right foot. I should upload a picture, but you might get scared. Not only does it look fat and sideways, but it still hurts every once in a while if I step on it wrong. Is it normal to still have pain in my toe? I broke it like 3 months ago! My brother told me that it will have pain for the rest of my life. He then let out an evil laugh. So, I'm thinking he as joking. I'm hoping he was joking. He's not a podiatrist, okay?

I went to the eye doctor the other day because I'm having to strain to see the computer screen at work. Preface... I've had perfect eyes my entire life, until I started my current job. Apparently, starring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week isn't good for your vision. I'm sure the black computer screen with the 1980's neon green writing doesn't help much either. I went to the eye doctor a couple of years ago and they gave me some simple glasses to use while I'm on the computer and until recently I've only needed them occasionally.

This time when I go for my appointment the doctor seems concerned. Great! He wanted to do some additional tests and dilate my eyes because it appears that I may have Glaucoma. Umm... Pardon me? Yeah... those words came out of his mouth. Mind you, I'm 25 years old... not 75. So, we did some additional tests, turns out I DON'T have Glaucoma, but I'm am what they call a "Glaucoma suspect". I guess it means that out of the 3 red flags to look for in a Glaucoma patient, I demonstrate one of them. They said it was nothing to be worried about, they'll just keep an eye on it every year at my yearly exam. I must say, I never saw that one comin'!

Next up, my shoulder is still popping from my last car wreck. I don't think it will ever go away. The other day at work I kept track of how many times it popped (yes, I get bored at work). The final count was around 36 times. It's quite annoying.

And lastly in the list of my ailments, my tongue has an extremely swollen taste bud on it today. So much so that I thought I had a piece of food stuck on the back of my tongue. After scraping and picking at it, turns out it's attached. Now it hurts. How did this even happen! Go away.

The Things People Carry

You can see some strange things in this town. And I'm not just talking about when Santa-Cali-Gon rolls into town, I'm talking day in and day out. When I see people walking down the street I can't help but be curious about them. Why are you walking? Where are you going? What is that you're carrying?

The other day I was driving down the street when heading down the sidewalk towards me was an older man with a sweatband around his head. Typical. Just trying to get some fitness in. But as I got closer I saw he was carrying something. A water bottle? A sweat towel? Nope. He was carrying a tiny radio. Not a Walkman or an iPod. No sir. He was carrying a full-blown, antenna outstretched, coffee table radio. It made me smile.

A few days later I was passing by the local Wal-Mart, my favorite, and I saw another man carrying something strange. First of all, I usually feel bad when I see people leaving the store, especially the grocery store, walking home with all their loot. You could never buy ice cream, it wouldn't make the trip home. I digress... this particular man was walking crazy to begin with because he was trying to walk straight across a pretty steep, grassy hill. Not only this, but his balance was also jeopardized because in one had he was carrying a large, heavy looking box. As I passed, I got a close look at his special new purchase. A chainsaw. This man was walking, across the foot of a steep hill, with a giant chainsaw in a box. Never a dull moment.

Scaredy Cats

My dad always told me I'd make a good children's author. He always told me that I should write a book. "That's how you'll get famous" he'd say. So maybe I should start on that...

I was thinking about children's books last night. As I was remembering my personal favorites (Sideways Stories From Wayside School, what what!) I realized that a lot of children's books are creepy. One of the books that I remember to this day is In a Dark, Dark Room and Other Scary Stories by Alvin Schwartz. I don't remember all of the scary stories in this book, but I do remember one called "The Green Ribbon". It's about a girl who wears a green ribbon around her neck. She never takes it off. Despite her husbands constant curiosity about the ribbon she refuses to remove it. Finally, she takes it off... and her head falls off. What in the world?! This is a children's book! Scary...

Next up we have the timeless story of Hansel and Gretel. Talk about a scary story! If telling kids a witch will put them in an oven and eat them doesn't keep your kids from running away, you must be doing something terribly wrong.

How about Jack and the Beanstalk? An innocent boy just wants to plant some bean seeds and ends up getting hassled by a giant beast man! Rapunzel, an imprisoned girl is used as a rope to hoist people up to her prison cell. And Goldilocks? Inappropriately scary.

Maybe my dad was trying to tell me that I frighten small children? Either way, I think I should get started on that book.

What Did You Eat!?

Alright...

So, I'm watching this show on TLC called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". It's sort of like a train wreck. I really don't want to watch this, but it's so strange I can't change it. The program is pretty self-explanatory. It's a documentary following these women who didn't know they were pregnant, obviously.

I remember in high school I heard a story about a girl who had a baby without knowing she was pregnant and I thought, "what a joke." I'm a female and no, I have never been pregnant, but one would think it would be pretty obvious, right? Maybe I don't want to believe it, but I've heard several stories about girls getting pregnant while taking their birth control regularly. I don't know... I just can't believe it.

So, back to this show. First of all, almost every one of these stories is about a rather large woman not knowing she was pregnant. Well... that's a little more believable, but still. These people don't realize that they're not getting their monthly visit from Mother Nature? Let's pay a little more attention ladies.

This last story they just showed was about a 57-year-old woman who had a baby! Is that even remotely healthy!? What a strange sight to see.

I'm starting to wonder if these stories are even true. Are these producers doing their fact checking? Maybe when I have a child I can say I didn't know I was pregnant either and be on the show too. Nobody would know. I'll just say that I had eaten a lot of Chipotle, so I thought I had just packed on an extra 30 pounds. I forgot that I didn't have a period for the past 9 months. I was throwing up every morning and craving bacon wrapped pickles, but that's not weird, is it?

Sigh... I've gotta find something better on TV...

Farewell To My Childhood Dance Partner

You can think he's crazy, you can call him names, but nobody can deny the amazing entertainer that was Michael Jackson. When I first heard the news of his death I naturally didn't believe it. He's always being gossiped about. "He's dead", "he's sick", "his face fell off", so I figured it was just another rumor. But when I finally saw the confirmation, I was surprised at how deeply it hit me.

I wasn't outright emotional. It wasn't like I lost a close friend or family member, it was kind of surreal. I felt kind of like a part of me was gone. Literally. You might think it's crazy because he's just some singer that I've never even met, but I have so many great memories that involve his music, videos and dance moves that it's hard to find an era of my life that didn't involve his music. It felt like I did know him. I felt like he had always been a part of my life.

You see, I was listening to Michael Jackson on vinyl before I was even born. My mom was a big fan and owned records all the way back to the Jackson 5. I'm pretty sure I learned how to use a record player with the Thriller album. That's not the only thing I learned either. I have so many memories of my brothers and me dancing to MJ from when we were tiny babies even up to today. I remember when I first saw his Dirty Diana video, I was in love... and I was probably 5 years old. When we got the Moonwalker movie on VHS I swear I watched it at least 3 times a week. If you haven't seen this movie and you're an MJ fan, watch it, it's great. Even if you're not a fan, you'll become one. You think it's a coincidence that the little girl's name in that movie was Katie? I think not.

Yes he had some crazy years in his life, but when you're forced to be an adult when your 5 years old I can't expect your life to be normal. We wanted him in the spotlight, we wanted him to be the superstar that he was, we didn't give him a chance to be a normal human being.

Despite all of the crazy things he did in his life, it's undeniable that he was an amazing entertainer. He's inspired so many people all over the world in such an intense way. Watching videos from his concerts, seeing his fans screaming, crying and literally fainting just at the meer sight of him standing on stage absolutely amazes me. I always held hope that he would decide to do one final tour in the U.S. I would have even settled for 1 single show in the U.S. I would have been there. The cost of the ticket wouldn't matter, I would have paid it. To witness him, live, giving it his all up there would have been worth every single penny. A live Michael Jackson moonwalk... I probably would have passed out too.

Sadly, since he's gone I won't be able to see him live. I'll have to cling to my Moonwalker VHS and my old tapes and CDs for now. He will live on through his legendary music and his unforgettable dance moves. There is no doubt that I will be a Michael Jackson fan for life.

"If you enter this world knowing you're loved & you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with" - M.J.

I'm Baaaack!!

Dear Lord it's been 2 months since my last post!!  Where have I been!?  I think I've been lazy.  That's where I've been.  Plus we're not "supposed" to be on the Internet at work and our Internet at home works when it feels like it (which is usually like 2 in the morning only).  So here we are, reunited.  

There have been some things I've been wanting to write about lately, so let's start...

A van zoomed past me the other day with "Just Divorced!" on the back window.  How depressing.

I'm sick of unnecessary Facebook status updates.  What is wrong with people?  I already deleted one friend- preface... he wasn't even a friend.  I guess we went to high school together?  I have no idea who he is.  I deleted him solely based on his ridiculous status updates.  I kind of wish I would have relayed some of his updates before I defriended him, but let's just say that I know EVERYTHING about him and "Denise's" love life.  Weird.  And inappropriate.  Ugh... I have another "friend" who is equally as bad, if not worse.  First of all she used to post updates about how her and "Clint' might be having problems, but they'll work through them and how "Clint" didn't beat her, they're just going through some things that she needs to think about.  Today, her status says, and I quote, "glad that passing the stones hasn't hurt a bit... woohoo..."  Are you f-in kidding me!?  Does she not realize that she's posting this on the world wide web??  She's done.  Defriend.  

I'm watching "16 and pregnant" on MTV.  Thank GOD I was never 16 and pregnant.  End of story.

I'm itching to travel.  Not even far, just get away for a while.  A good friend lives in California and I'd love to go see her.  Another friend is moving to Arizona on Saturday, let's do it.  I have another friend debating about moving to Canada... I've never been to Canada before.  And I keep picturing New York, Central Park during Christmas time... I think I just need to quit my job and travel.  Now if I could only find that money tree...

Lastly... go see The Hangover... HILARIOUS!!!

That's Not My Name

Does anyone else feel extremely awkward when people call you by the wrong name? Oh God, I do. I don't know if I should correct them and make them feel stupid, or just ignore it. It makes me really uncomfortable.

The other day I had to get new tires put on my car. The guy that took my information clearly heard my full name several times as he entered my information into their computer system. Yet, for some reason he kept calling me Jennifer?? First he was just like, "Okay Jennifer, we'll get started on your car and have it right out!" I just flashed an awkward (which probably came across as confused) smile and walked into the waiting area. Jennifer? Where the hell did he get Jennifer? Kate sounds NOTHING like Jennifer. Whatever. No big deal. Until he came traipsing into the waiting area a few minutes later...

"Miss Jennifer!" he said with a huge, cheesy grin on his face, "I have some information on your car I'd like to go over with you." Again, awkward smile. Should I correct him? No, just pretend you're hard of hearing. Okay, that's over with. No harm done.

As I sat in the desolate, dirty waiting area, by myself, I started thinking. This is going to be extremely awkward when my car is finished and I have to pay. When I hand him my credit card he's going to ask for my ID. My ID clearly says Kate... not Jennifer. Then he's going to feel dumb and ask me why I didn't correct him, then I'm going to feel dumb. Oh God, what the hell. Of course this would happen to me.

Luckily, when my car was done a different gentleman retrieved me from the waiting hole to check out. We were small talking as I signed the credit card receipt and everything was fine. I was in the clear because Mr. "Jennifer" was nowhere to be seen. As I picked up my paperwork and headed for the door here he came out of left field! "Thanks for comin' in today Jennifer!"

Ugh..... I politely said thanks and went on my merry way.

You think he was just messing with me?

Today it Hit Me

We hear about "the economy" every single day in the news.  How bad it is.  How this business is filing for bankruptcy.  How this store is closing.  On and on and on.  If there were a drinking game where we had to drink every time we heard the word "economy" we'd all be wasted, all the time.  Hmm... we might be onto something here...

Anyway, I realize that things are pretty bad, but it wasn't until today that it actually hit home for me.  Let me preface.  I work for a privately owned corporation that prides itself on it's honest and compassionate treatment of it's employees.  They don't fire or layoff employees in order to downsize, instead they downsize through attrition.  This basically means that instead of firing or laying off employees they reduce numbers through retirement or resignation.  Once employees move on from a position they just don't fill that spot, therefore making the department smaller.  Today that all changed.

I got to work this morning and soon after my arrival received an email from the Vice President of my department.  It said that we would be receiving an email from the President of our company discussing the state of our company and the future of each department.  Additionally we would be required to attend mandatory meetings which would occur anytime between 8:30 am and noon.  We were to clear our schedule during that time and would receive an email 15 minutes prior to our mandatory meeting.  Immediately everyone started panicking.  We had absolutely no indication that something would be going on today.  Nothing...  Five minutes later a handful of my coworkers got their email invitation.  In the email they were instructed to go to the 5th floor and someone would meet them and tell them where they needed to go.  Two of my good friends were to attend this meeting.  One of them left without saying a word, another left, fearful, with tears in her eyes.  

A half an hour later they were still missing, then I received my invite.  Please go to the 2nd floor conference room.  Luckily one of my friends was to attend the same meeting so we walked down together.  As we walked into the room my manager and our VP were both standing outside of the conference room, talking quietly.  Neither one of them greeted us as we walked in, which is totally out of character for both of these friendly, outgoing women.  We walked in and had a seat in the silent room filled with eight other visibly nervous employees.  Shortly after taking a seat my manager entered the room, shut the door behind her and had a seat.  She looked stressed, a little frantic and sad.  We had no idea what was coming.

Basically, our company has decided that it's time to react to this economy accordingly and in order for us to survive as a stronger, more successful company it was necessary to make cuts.  There are going to be between 550 and 750 cuts in my company, and 26 of them were coming from my department directly, 6 of which were my coworkers.  Luckily, my nervous and shocked group was safe, but for those that weren't, today would be their last day with us.  I knew as soon as she said there would be cuts that it would be the first group that had their meeting.  I knew my friends were gone.  My manager read the names of the 6 team members that we would be losing.  As she reached the last few names she started crying.  Everyone started crying.  

After she gave us all of the information she had some people asked questions, some people were angry, others were just quiet.  At the end of the discussion she told us to take the time we needed if we just wanted to stay and talk or just sit, or we could go back to our office.  Nobody moved but me.  I didn't want to be there.  I wanted to see my friends.  I wanted to make sure they were ok. 

When I got back to my office the first group still wasn't back from their meeting.  About 20 minutes later they finally returned.  I heard my neighbor packing up his office and I didn't know what to do.  What do you tell your friend, your teammate, that just lost their job.  No advanced warning, nothing that was deserved due to their poor performance or conduct.

One of my friends was recently married.  Her and her husband just bought a new house.  I just hope so bad that she can find happiness and not have to worry about her new home or her family's well being.  My other friend... him and his wife have been trying, unsuccessfully, to have a baby.  A few months ago they started in vitro and he told me how expensive it is.  Their first attempt ended in a miscarriage.  He told me today that they were planning to start trying again this Sunday, but now with 1/2 the family income, that won't be possible.  Another one of my friends that were let go has 2 kids, both of which are on her insurance plan.  The other one that was let go has been gone from work for a week... because his wife just had a baby.  

It was a really tough day at work.  Everyone was crying, whispering, ducking, packing.  Everyone has questions.  Nobody has answers because nobody knows.  As much as I complain about my job I'm thankful that I wasn't one of the people who had the rug pulled out from under them today.  Supposedly my department was one of the first to get the cut and after today we should be safe, but who knows.   

"You're Gonna Love My Nuts"

I usually hate infomercials, but you just can't deny the talent of Mr. Vince Shlomi.  I absolutely love this guy.  He's a total douche bag that I want to be friends with.  I can totally picture this guy at a party- getting beat up.  I want to know him.  

Vince is the ShamWow guy.  You know... this guy...

When I first saw these infomercials I'm not gonna lie, I wanted a ShamWow.  First of all, the dude is wearing a Britney Spears mike around his head and looks like a complete weasel.  I mean, surely the set had boom mikes, I don't think the headset was necessary.  Love it.  Plus his hair is super silly, especially considering that the guy is 44 years old!  That's the hairdo of a 20 year old!  Haha, I love this guy.  Everything happens so quick in this commercial, Vince is wiping up everything under the sun and doesn't miss a beat!  I want one.  Well... a friend of mine did buy one and they suck.  In fact, his are laying out in the backyard getting rained on where he tossed them months ago.  Well, that's too bad.  Guess I won't be seeing much more of Vince.

Until I stumbled across this fine gem...

Dear God.  That was hands down the best infomercial I have ever seen.  When it first came on TV I'm not gonna lie, I was so excited to see Vince again.  What's even more beautiful about this ad is the camera angles and effects are getting fancier.  They're mixing it up with the super fast zoom in/zoom out effect.  I can't stop laughing the whole time this turd is talking.  Let's highlight some key phrases:

"This tuna look boring.  Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life."

"You're gonna love my nuts." 

"This is makin' you cry, you're makin' me cry.  Life's hard enough as it is, you don't wanna cry anymore."

"Tacos, fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini."

And let's not forget his amazing shooting abilities as he casually tosses the Slap Chop over his head and makes it RIGHT into the sink.  Ha!  Billy Mays has got some serious competition on his hands.  

To top off the hilarity that is Vince Shlomi, let's talk about the most recent news Mr. ShamWow has made.  Apparently Vince paid a Miami hooker $1000 for a good time.  However, I guess kissing on the mouth was an extra upcharge because when he attempted to do so she bit the hell out of his tongue and wouldn't let go.  He then proceeded to beat the crap out of her.  Wow.  Tough break Vincent.  You would think a guy as cool as the SlapChop guy wouldn't have to pay for his ladies.  And, can you imagine if you were a hooker and this guy propositioned you!  I'm not sure if that would be the high or low point of my career.

The point is that Vince was right, I do love his nuts.  I wanna be his friend.  I'd like to ask him why he can't find his own women and has to resort to hookers because he's clearly too cool for that.  And I want a SlapChop... with a free Graty as well.  

Dear Walmart...

Dear Walmart,

We used to be good friends. You used to be my go-to guy when it came to a convenient one-stop shop. But now, things have changed. You're an asshole, and I refuse to visit you anymore. I'm sure that you have plenty of crazy customers to occupy your time and you haven't even noticed that I haven't visited you in months, but one day you'll miss me... I just know it.

Despite the fact that you enjoy putting our local stores out of business and the minor detail about employing illegal immigrants and treating them like crap, I still remained a faithful shopper for years. But, all of that changed last Christmas... all I needed was a tricycle...

I stopped by the Walmart just down the street for some last minute Christmas shopping. I really only needed a couple of gifts for my nephew and a some other random items. I figured it would be a quick in and out errand. Boy was I wrong.

As I approached the entrance I noticed there were no carts outside, or inside the door. Not a big deal, it is Christmastime after all. So, I headed towards the other entrance in pursuit of a cart. When I got there I was greeted with the same desolate, cold, cement breezeway and no carts. Are you kidding me? Ok... let's improvise. Surely I can juggle a tricycle and other various toys through this ridiculously packed zoo, right?

The toy aisles were absolutely insane. Not only were most of the shelves empty or the product was shoved so far back they were unreachable but there were so many people crammed in the aisles that you couldn't see the product even if it was there! And by "people" i mean rude, pushy assholes who clearly never saw that I was standing there... ever. Whatever, grab the loot and go.

I headed towards the registers, weighed down by all of the junk I was holding. My fingers were turning purple and my arms were aching from awkwardly trying to hold everything without looking like an idiot. When I got to the registers I was grateful that I could use the express lane, because God knows your cashiers aren't much for the hustle. The express lane was an absolute joke. I could have gotten through that line faster by stealing each item I was trying to purchase individually, serving the jail time, and then going back to steal the next item, and so on. The best part about this speedy process that you're running is that from where I was standing I counted 16 open check out lanes. SIXTEEN!?!?!? Sweet Jesus this has to be a joke. If you're not going to have all of your lanes open for Christmas then when the hell do you plan on using them!?

To top it off, the entire 35 minutes I was in line to purchase this crap that I convinced myself I didn't need that bad after all, there was this horrible rendition of a Christmas carol ringing in my ears. When I finally made it to the checker I realized that it wasn't some cheesy Muzak soundtrack, but instead it was a homeless amputee loitering in her wheelchair near the exits screaming Christmas songs. What... the... hell...

Even the checker was annoyed. As i loaded my items on the counter he muttered "Dear God, shut UP!" When I laughed, he quickly apologized because he didn't realize I heard him. Come to find out, this charming lady had been serenading these pitiful Walmart patrons for over an hour. The same songs, over and over and over. And for some reason, nobody asked her to leave? I mean, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.

Get me the hell out of here.

So in short, I'm done with you. You make my life a little bit more pathetic every time I am in your store. For now, I have taken my business to Target where there are plenty of carts and open lanes, helpful employees and plenty of stock, oh, and no crazy people screaming at me while I wait in line for 35 minutes. Adios Walmart, you're in good company just the way you are.

Music Video

A' got a new laptop with a webcam. This is me messing around on it. I think it will be my claim to fame one day. Enjoy.

I've Been Neglecting You

So, I saw this picture of Valerie Bertinelli on the cover of People magazine the other day and it made me realize that I hadn't blogged in a long time. I know, seeing Valerie Bertinelli is a weird reason to remember my blog but if you've seen the picture you'll understand. Here...
Do you see the problem here? I do. The lady is 48 years old with a belly button ring. Come on... really? Don't get me wrong, she looks amazing for her age and props for her for losing all of that weight but I'm thinkin' maybe you should have lost that belly button ring about, oh.... 20 years ago? So, let's add this to my "when are you too old?" list.


Belly button ring aside, it's been too long blog and I apologize for neglecting you, so let's get down to business. What's new...


I broke my toe Saturday night. That wasn't cool. It still isn't very cool actually. I was running down our carpeted stairs at home in pantyhose and I quickly learned is that pantyhose doesn't have much traction to them. I slipped on the second stair and went flying into the wall, all the way down the stairs. Ouch. It was ridiculous and immediate pain. Hours later I was still laying in bed crying, I think I fell asleep crying. Now my middle toe looks like a purple vienna sausage. Yummy. The thing that sucks is that you can't really do much for a broken toe, I've learned. The advice everyone has given me is to tape it to my other toe, which i think is weird. I went a couple of days just limping around but this morning I decided to give this "buddy taping" method a try. It's weird.


I think the reason they say to do this is so your toe grows back in line with the rest of your toes. In the words of A', "so it's not just hangin' out off to the side." I'm not quite sure where my middle toe is going to go, but I tried it anyway. Now it's even weirder to walk and I could barely fit my foot in my shoe. Oh well.


One of the reasons I haven't written in a while is because they decided to implement this new "no internet" rule at work. Yes, I'm at work right now, forgive me. They basically told us that we couldn't do ANYTHING unless it was work related or we were on break. So, even when we're slow, caught up on work and there is nothing to do, we have to find something to do. No internet, no reading books, no text messaging, nothing. I think they want us to sit here and stare at a blank computer screen. It's dumb. I'm rebelling.


I was telling A' a funny story about my dad the other day. It was a story about how ornery him and his brother used to be as kids. In the town where he grew up they used to have a convenient store that would deliver. My dad used to call the store and pretend to be his dad and order beer. When the delivery man would come by with the beer my dad would tell the guy that his dad was in the shower- every single time. A' and I laughed about it, then he asked me, "Did his dad ever find out?" I don't know.... I realized that I'll probably never know the answer to that question, or the outcome to his other stories because I can't ask my dad anymore. It's a very surreal feeling.


And on a happier note, one of my best friends is getting married in a month and this weekend is the bachelorette party. I'm really excited to see all of my friends and have some girl time. Alcohol+High Heels+Broken Toe= ??? Should be interesting...

The Case of the Mystery Watermelon

I have this memory from my childhood from when I was about 7 or 8 years old.  I remember it, because it was such an exciting moment in my life.  I was sitting around with my brothers eating some delicious watermelon, when we got the wise idea that we should try planting the seeds to see if we could grow our own watermelon.  

When we were done eating we gathered up our seeds and headed out to my dad's tomato garden in the backyard.  We spread out the seeds and gave them some water then headed back inside, excited about our accomplishments.  

The very next day we were anxious to check out the progress that our watermelon garden had made (come on, we were little ok?)  To our shock and awe there, sitting amongst the tomato vines and fresh soil, was a shiny, full grown, delicious-looking watermelon.  Amazing!  We were SO excited.  I remember running inside to show our parents what we had done.  We still have pictures of my brothers and me posing with our cats in front of our masterpiece.  We were the best green thumbs in town.  

It wasn't until about... oh... 4 years ago that we learned that we didn't actually grow the watermelon, instead, our dad purchased a watermelon from the store and put it in the garden.  Boy did we feel dumb.  Yes, looking back I realize that you can't grow a watermelon overnight, but when you're that young anything is possible.  I must say that when our parents told us the truth about the mystery watermelon (through their laughter) we were all pretty disappointed.  We felt scammed.  Apparently we aren't the great watermelon producers that we thought we were for so many years.  Oh well.  I guess our parents' intentions were good.  Maybe they should have kept the lie alive.

The moral of this story is if you lie to your children, keep lying to them.  As ridiculous as the lie is, just don't tell them the truth... for their pride's sake.  :D

Don't Fart in Front of My Fiance

On the way home from the gym tonight A' told me a funny story.  I'm still cracking up about it.  Something is wrong with this kid...

Last week in one of his classes he had a big test that he had been stressing himself out about.  As he sat in the classroom waiting for class to start he heard some of the freshmen in his class (yes, he is unfortunate enough to have class with freshmen) talking behind him and cracking up about something.  As they kept laughing he got more and more irritated, and then he smelled a fart.  He quickly realized that the kids behind him were farting and laughing about it.  Classic.  Normally A' would just ignore nonsense like this but apparently he was in rare form today and quickly whipped around to give them a piece of his mind.  The following dialogue is priceless...

A:  "Hey!?  What the hell's wrong with you!?  

(Freshmen starring in shock...)

A:  "Did YOU shit your pants?!?" (pointing ferociously towards one of the no longer laughing kids)

A:  "Huh!?  Did you?!!"

(Kid, frightened to death, rapidly shakes his head no)

A:  (towards the other culprit)  "Did YOU shit your pants?!?" (pointing his finger in the other kids face)

Neither kid responded, just starred in shock.  As he turned around wondering what he would have done if one of them actually said "yes" he heard another student a few rows over whisper "What's wrong with him?!"  

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!!!  For those of you who don't know A', this is NOT typical behavior for this man.  Well, maybe when he was 17, but he's definitely not 17 anymore, nor does he ever feel it necessary to make a scene when people fart around him.  When he told me this story I was crying I was laughing so hard.  Whew.  That's a good laugh.  After all was said and done he passed his test with flying colors.  His instructor even said he did an "excellent job".  He's much less stressed now as well, so that's good.  

Just don't fart around him when he's stressed out and expect to get away with it.

The Mullet

Living in the MidWest it's very common to see a mullet on a regular basis.  However, I'm sure these heinous do's aren't consolidated to these parts alone.  I just don't get it.  Why do people still have mullets?!

I realize that at one point in history this hair creation was popular (why, I'm not sure) but that time has passed.  First of all, it's not like this hairdo is comfortable.  Being a female with long hair I know how hot and annoying it can get.  If I were a guy I would definitely have short hair.  So why not just trim up the back for a regular hair cut?  Second, mullets are clearly a source for amusement and endless jokes.  If you know the haircut you posses is a horrible joke, why would you want it?  I can't understand it.  

If anyone can explain to me the pros of having a mullet I would love to hear it because, for the life of me, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around this one. 

The Friend Stealer

Ok, pardon me for being a little worked up today. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but I have to get it out because she's becoming notorious. You know the one I'm talking about, the friend stealer.

I understand that people introduce people and meet people through friends, but do you ever have that friend who perpetually tries to weasel in on all of your best friends!? Not just a casual work buddy that you introduce them to that they want to be friends with but they move in on your closest friends. And not just one of them, every single one of them. They attack from all angles! Sigh...

I've got a friend stealer in my life, and I try to justify it by saying that she just likes attention, but it's getting really out of hand and annoying. In fairness, I did meet her through a friend, but technically here's how it went down. She was dating A's best friend so we ended up being the only girls whenever we all hung out so naturally, we became friends. Eventually her and the guy broke up and we've continued our friendship.

In order to try and save myself from sounding the least bit rude or whiny, I'll try to sum up the reasons of her more recent annoyances as quickly as possible. Whenever she wants to hang out with me but can't get ahold of me, she calls/texts my best friend to hang out. Rude. Not rude that she's trying to steal my best friend, rude that she's trying to find me through my best friend. She's constantly calling/texting A' to hang out, even if I've already told her my or our plans for the night. She went on a date with A's brother last night. What the hell, really!? Get out of my bubble!

Am I the only one who has a problem with these people? Probably... I'm rude.

**Update!**

As I was texting my best friend the latest antics of the friend stealer, friend stealer herself texts me and asks me what's going on this weekend.  She's off on Saturday so we should "do somethin fun!"  I told her that I was going to be out of town.  As I was texting my best friend, "watch, now she'll text you or A' to hang out this weekend since I'm not around" friend stealer interrupted my text by texting my best friend, "Hey, what's goin on this weekend?  I'm off work on Saturday so we should do somethin fun!"  Really????  Really.

Addiction

It all started with the snuggies. And now it's snowballing. I can't stop shopping online. It's just too easy! I think my main problem is that I get really bored at work so it starts out with just browsing. That turns into needless purchases and me having my credit card number, expiration date and security code on the back of my card memorized. Gulp. Is that unhealthy?

I found this a-maz-ing website that I would highly recommend to all my lady friends (guys, I guess you can partake if you're into wearing make up). It's ELF make up and basically, it's every kind of make up you've ever dreamed of, all for a dollar a piece. How can you pass that up!? Well, I can assure you that I didn't pass it up.

Next, I thought it was necessary to order a new Victoria's Secret swimming suit online. You know, as motivation to get in shape, right? Or, maybe I had to get it before they went on back order? Or before every other girl had the same one as me? Either way, online purchase, cha ching....

I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time on Overstock.com lately. That place has everything, it's insane. I'm considering buying a new comforter/bed set but it's kind of difficult to decide if you'd want to sleep on something without being able to touch it. What if I get it and it's like sandpaper? Ah, who am I kidding, I'm sure I'll buy one soon.

I just ordered a ring.

What's next?

(ps- TOTALLY recommend the Snuggie for anyone who is lazy like me. best Christmas gift ever, haha!)

Mom Of The Year Award

A few months ago I was doing some shoe shopping at Marshall's when I had an encounter with the greatest mother of all time.  I mean, this lady was a real gem.  I was minding my own business, trying on a few different pairs of shoes that I didn't need to be buying, when I heard children screaming to my right.  I didn't want to be judgmental, so I just gave a quick glance in their direction to scope out the situation and went back to my shoe fitting.  

They were only about 10 feet to my right, 2 small children sitting in a shopping cart and their mother completely ignoring them while cruising for shoes.  I could hear one of the kids telling mom that he had to go to the bathroom, but she gave some nonchalant response implying that he just needed to hold it.  Then the other child tried to help out, telling the mom that he really needed to go, but again, mommy needs new shoes.  So the kids were left to their own accord while their mom just kept shushing them while looking at shoes.  

Well, at this point I thought, "rude", but it wasn't my place to interject, so I kept shopping.  Until I heard something unsettling which stopped me dead in my tracks.  It sounded like one of the kids knocked over a soda or bottle that was spilling all over the floor.  It last for about a minute, and I just couldn't help it, I had to look.  The little boy peed his pants.  Right now I'm shocked, I was probably starring, waiting for the mother to take control of the situation, but clearly that was asking too much.  

After another minute or so their mother finally noticed what had happened and started yelling at the little boy.  I believe her words are "sit down and shut up."  So now, the little boy is crying, the girl is confused, and mommy is still shopping.  There is a huge puddle of urine on the floor.  After another few minutes mom casually wheels the shopping cart back to the front of the store, completely avoiding the huge mess on the floor, removes the kids, and leaves.  And I KNOW she saw the puddle on the ground.  I was shocked.  I couldn't believe it.  I was not in the mood to try on shoes anymore, plus I would have had to climb over the puddle in the process, no thanks.  So I left. 

In short, I wanted to take this opportunity to unofficially give the mom of the year award to this fantastic woman.  You left in such a rush that I didn't get a chance to tell you what a great woman you are.  Your children are so, so lucky to have a mom like you.  We can only hope that they grow up to be a fraction of the person you are today.  Oh, and you've ruined shoe shopping at Marshall's for me for eternity.  Thanks for that too.

What A Sucker

Saturday morning started out like any other. I woke up, made some coffee, and planted myself in front of the tv in hopes of an America's Next Top Model marathon. A' stayed over at his parents the night before so I was home alone. After an hour or so of channel surfing I get a call from A' wondering if I wanted to go with him and his mom to pick out a new computer. Sure, why not. Little did I know what I was in for.

Before we headed to Best Buy, we had to make a stop at PetCo for A's mom to buy something for her fish tank. As soon as you enter the building there is this crazy lady in hot pink stirrup pants facilitating the pet adoption table. Surrounded by yapping dogs, most of which were humping each other in a train, was a black and white shitzu with one eye and a mangled jaw. Let me preface by saying that A' is a sucker for animals, especially those who have been abused or neglected. I knew right away that I had to get him out of there before he stole all of the animals and set them free on a farm somewhere. I tried to rush them along with the fish food purchase, but A's eyes kept wandering back to the pet adoption corral.

After A' and his mom pet the dogs, we were finally on our way out the door... or so I thought. As soon as we sat down in the car A's mom says, "Did you see that little one with no eye? Man, I just feel so bad for her." A' responds, "I know, poor thing, I wonder what happened to her. I wish I could take her home and give her a good life." My internal dialogue, "No, no, no, no, no, no, please, no, drive, no, please, just, drive..." A's mom, "I know, I almost bought her!". A: "I wanted to too!" Then... they exchanged the look. It was all over. They both got out of the car.

So now, our happy little home is also home to a sweet, little, mangled puppy we've named Iris. It wasn't that I was opposed to this dog specifically, I was really opposed to the idea of a dog in general. We have two cats, recall? Yeah, our cats are not very happy with us, understatement of the year. My cat has definitely come around more than when we first brought Iris home, but she is still suspicious of our new addition. A's cat, on the other hand, is not havin' it. She is the spoiled princess of the house so this intruder is an unwelcome guest in her eyes.

Eventually everyone will get along, I'm just sure of it. All I know is that this lil pup will at least have a happy life from here on out, even if the rest of it wasn't that great.

I Can't Win...

It's really starting to feel like sometimes I just can't win. For the past two years now it's one thing after another after another... it's really getting ridiculous. I just wonder when my family, and me, are going to get a break. Anytime would be nice.

Two years ago, days before Thanksgiving, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. A few weeks later, on the way to visit him in the hospital, my brand new car (and by brand new I mean it had 4 miles on it when I bought it 3 weeks earlier) was rear-ended by a drunk driver. The cops never showed up, we waited for 3 hours. We finally let the drunk lady leave and went to the police station ourselves to file a police report. That took another two hours. A couple of weeks later, 4 days before Christmas, my dad died.

All of this pretty much explains my dislike for the holidays. I never used to hate the holidays, but it's hard not to anymore. My dad dying has been brutal on my family. It's been a constant uphill struggle, mostly for my mom, and it's hard to imagine the day when all of us will be happy again. My mom and dad were together for almost 25 years. They were truly in love. My dad was the breadwinner of the family working every day in 100 degree heat doing construction. My mom was working as a preschool teacher for the school district, but as soon as my dad died work was the last thing on her mind.

At first, there was shock. My mom, really all of us, just kind of wandered around in a daze, not really sure how to progress. Soon, my mom found solace in her hometown which is about an hour north of where we live. She started staying there with her mom and my uncle pretty much every night for a year. During this time I didn't see her much, and I was also left, alone, in the house where we all used to live... with my dad. It was pretty hard.

When your parent is struggling, you immediately turn into the parent, and they become the child. It's a really hard situation, and one that nobody ever hopes for, you're more so forced into. During my mom's absence she also started drinking a lot. Before my dad died my mom rarely drank. I never even saw her drink at all until I was about 21, and event then it was very, very rare. Now, she was going out every single night, drinking with friends, staying up all hours of the night, drunk dialing me, driving home. It was unbearable. I couldn't decide whether to be concerned, mad, sad, angry, I just didn't know what to do.

Finally, my mom moved back home. And eventually I moved out with A', which in hindsight probably made things harder on my mom too. Her work was very understanding about her grief and basically told her if or when she wanted to come back she was welcome. We tried encouraging her to take the full-time position they offered her but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was too depressed. I was basically funding her life. How do you tell your mom you can't help her with any money this month because you need her to get off her ass and get a job. Or because you know she'll just spend it on alcohol. It's pretty much impossible.

Things are starting to get a little better with my mom. She's finally decided to go to grief counseling next month so hopefully that goes well. But the past couple of years have been rough...

A couple of months ago, on the way to breakfast, a mini-van pulled out in front of me and I slammed right into them. Awesome. Two wrecks in two years. Not so much a brand new car anymore. That's been a huge headache that I'm still dealing with. I don't know how my insurance didn't total my car considering the damages totaled over $10,000. The car is fixed, my shoulder's not, the insurance is still giving me the runaround. I'm sick of it.

For the past six months or so my brother and sister-in-law have been trying for baby number 2. Baby number1 came unexpectedly, so we all assumed baby number 2 would be just as easy. Not the case. Months ago she had a positive home pregnancy test. We were all excited. By the time she went in for the first doctor's appointment she was no longer pregnant. A few months later, same thing. Positive home test, lost it by the time she went to the doctor. It was really sad, and frustrating. About a month ago we found out again that she was pregnant. This time they waited to tell us the news until after they had their first doctor's appointment. They heard a heartbeat, set a due date, and got a tini, tiny sonogram picture. We were all over the moon.

We were all hoping for a girl to add to the family, picking out our favorite names, spreading the good news. Wednesday I was over there visiting and noticed that she was starting to show. She was glowing. I was so, so happy for them that after two disappointments this time it was finally going to happen. Thursday they went in for their 10 week appointment. An hour or so later my brother texted me at work.

Brother: "Call me when you can."

Me: "We're super busy at work right now, I can call you when I'm off or you can text me?"

Brother: "We went in to the doctor today and there was no heartbeat :("

When is it our turn? When do we get a break?

When?

Holy Moly

First of all, I never get a chance to watch Oprah, but I got off of work early today.  However, I still missed most of it and dammit, it looked good.  It was about an entire family hooked on heroin.  Woah.  I love, love, love Intervention on A&E and for some reason am mesmerized by stories of drug addicts.  I'm not sure why.  Anywho... that was my first of all.  My second of all, is what the hell happened to Oprah.  I know she's packed on a few pounds but damn.  She's lookin.... rough.  She looks like she hasn't slept in 13 days (at least) and her hair is out of control.  Maybe she's having a bad day?  Anywho, gotta love Oprah.  She's a good lady.  And she has a pregnant mom addicted to heroin up next!  More later!

(I decided to post a good picture of Oprah instead of scary Oprah... see, this is what she's supposed to look like!)

Some things in my brain...

• I lost a pivotal round of the 5th grade spelling bee to the word "young".  That damn silent "u".
• Sometimes I think my mom looks like Cher.
• I wish I had six pack abs, bad.
• I want to run, far.  Really far.  I wish I could run a marathon, but the thought of me running a marathon makes me laugh... out loud.
• This year I want to somehow get involved in cancer research.  I could donate money, volunteer, I don't know... it never seems like enough.
• I've been questioning lately when one is too old for something.  It goes a little something like this: When are you too old to: do a beer bong, have a MySpace/Facebook account, use words such as "chill", shop at American Eagle (or other similar shops) or in the Junior's section, wear "trendy" jeans or sweat pants with words such as "cutie" or "juicy" on the ass, etc.  Feel free to share your insight.  
• I'm ready for a vacation.  I could use a beach.

Going Deep

I've been seeing the chiropractor regularly for a car wreck I was recently in.  My shoulder has been acting up like crazy, popping loudly at random and being really sore for no reason.  Twice a week I've been seeing the chiropractor for an adjustment and acupuncture and I've seen the massage therapist twice now to further my results. 

The first time I saw the massage therapist it was kind of awkward.  He was an older guy, really nice, just kind of awkward.  When I get a massage, I don't like to talk.  I just like to sit and relax... maybe drool a little.  This guy wanted to talk the entire time.  I couldn't complain though because he had hands from God and I definitely felt better afterwards.

The next time I went in to see the same massage therapist we were going over where the pain was now and how I felt after our last appointment.  I've learned from past massages that if you don't tell them exactly where it hurts, feels good, too hard, not hard enough that they'll never know, and in turn, it won't really be worth your time.  So, I made sure to tell him exactly where I was experiencing pain and that I preferred the deep tissue massage.  Here is how our conversation progressed from there:

Old Man Hands: "I went really deep in you last time, right?"

Me:  "Yeah, and it felt really good.  I liked it."

I almost peed myself trying not to laugh.  

Ah, the joys of inappropriateness.  

Lazy is my middle name

I have so much to do.  So much.  So why am I sitting here, in my Snuggie, eating chips and salsa, watching VH1's 20 Greatest Oscar Moments?  Thus is my life.  Here are things I should be doing right now:

1. Working out at the gym
2. Making dinner
3. Designing t-shirts for my friend's upcoming bachelorette party (which needs to be done soon!)
4. Designing a logo for my sister-in-law's parents new hair product they've developed (which should have been done about a month ago)
5. Writing editorial for a writing assignment I was given at work (due in two days)
6. Creating a presentation for work (due in 1 week)
7. Coming up with some sort of February festivity since I graciously volunteered to be the February social chair at work (Just say no Kate, just say no...)
8. Reading my new book (it's starring me down)
9. Hangin' out with my mama (she gets lonely)
10. Making cookies (I just want some, ok?)

But, here I sit.  Not being productive.  This is pretty much the common theme of my life. 

Enough is Enough!?

It is rare that I use the word "hate". There are only a few things in life that I can honestly say I hate. Paris Hilton, seafood, hospitals, small-minded people... that about sums it up. But right now, I'm on the verge of adding another one to that list. The Duggar's.

If you're not familiar with the Duggar family then I envy you. I wish I wasn't familiar with them, because the more familiar I get, the more that hate word keeps flying out of my mouth. Ok, I'll just put it out there. I hate the Duggar's. Let me explain.

The Duggar's are a conservative Baptist family from Arkansas that, quite frankly, don't know when to quit. The parents, Jim-Bob and Michelle (yeah, I just said Jim-Bob... as in Jim and Bob put together in an effort to sound as backwards hillbilly as possible) have 18 children. EIGHT-TEEN CHILDREN!!! I'll give you a moment to absorb that information...

I hope you're ok after that factoid because it only gets better. These 18 lovely children all have names starting with "J". Hate. Ready for this list of names? Grab a barf bag... here goes... Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger (they must have really been pissed when they realized Ginger wasn't spelled with a J after all) Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah (umm...yeah...), Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace. I don't know about you, but I'm nauseous.

So, my first real issue with the Duggar's is this... clearly when you have this many children you would not have enough time to give each child the love and care they deserve. If you're disagreeing with me right now I'd like to share this info with you- in the Duggar home, you have to put your name on a sign-up sheet, well in advance, for one-on-one time with mom. TIME WITH YOUR OWN MOTHER!? What in the hell is wrong with these people!? Yeah, they try to say that they get all the love that they need from not only their parents, but also their older "buddy" sibling. Yes, this family operates on the "buddy system". As in, an older sibling is paired up with a younger sibling, to basically do their mother's job that she can't do because she's too busy getting pregnant. All I know is that when I was growing up, if I had to sign up to talk to my own mother I certainly wouldn't feel loved.

My second issue with this family, is that these children are home-schooled. What!? I have nothing against home-schooling (well, I shouldn't say "nothing" against it...) but how in the sam hell can these children get a decent education at home??? The ages of these kids range from 1 month to 20 years, so I would sure love to hear how that works. From 8:00-9:00: kindergarten, 9:00-9:15: snack, 9:30-10:30: 1st grade- but since Ginger has viola practice this afternoon we have to combine 1st and 2nd grade, so if you're in 1st grade just try and keep up and if you're in 2nd grade you'll just have to be patient, from 10:30-11:00: the women prepare lunch while the men do yard work, 11:00-12:00: lunch, 12:00-12:30: women do dishes and clean up after lunch while men study the bible, 12:30-1:30: 3rd grade, 1:30-2:30: bible study- all grades, 2:30-3:30: 4th grade, well... looks like school day is over, sorry everyone only got an hour of school today and 1/2 of you didn't learn anything at all. Maybe tomorrow, but maybe not, we'll see. Spare me...

Alright, I could go on for pages and pages about the 900 other reasons that I hate the Duggar's but for now I'll just touch on one more subject. Dating. Or lack of dating. The Duggar's believe in saving yourself for "the One God has chosen for you". Fine, whatever. I disagree, but I respect your belief on that subject, BUT, they're taking it WAAAAY too far. Not only do they believe in saving yourself for "the One" but because of this, they don't believe in dating. I can't even find the words to explain this, so I'll just quote the Duggar Wikipedia page directly... "Casual dating is forbidden; instead, the older children are taught that a marriage partner should be sought through a form of courtship (which requires the young man to seek permission from the girl's father to begin the relationship, even if both parties are adults). All meetings between the engaged couple have a chaperon to accompany them and they believe in saving their affections and intimacy, up to and including kissing, for marriage." In layman's terms... you can't even KISS ANYONE until you marry them. I'm trying to picture what my life would be like if that's how I was raised and I'm on the verge of crying out of pity for these poor children.

The oldest Duggar, Joshua, just got married to a lovely, and equally as brainwashed young lady last September. True to form, these two did not kiss until they said "I do". To get the full feeling of awkwardness, I'd like to share with you this charming video I found on Josh and his wife, Anna's website.

AWKWARD...................

Ok... I've said enough for now. I'll let you form your own opinion about the Duggar's. Feel free to peruse their websites to learn more about their family orchestra, their multiple TV shows, and if you happen to run across Michelle Duggar's trick to makin' her hair look so good, please let me know.

http://www.duggarfamily.com/
http://health.discovery.com/tv/duggars/duggars.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duggar_family

Hands Down the Worst Job in America

It's that time of year again, my friends, for us to come face to face with the worst job in America.  I know that there are plenty of horrible jobs out there, trash man, poultry plant worker, prostitute, but I sincerely believe this one tops them all.  Yes friends, meet the Liberty Tax mascot.  

Every single time I drive past one of these poor individuals I feel incredibly sorry for them.  Not only are they forced to wear a horrible, heinous outfits, but they are also forced to brave the elements, shouting, flying objects, as well as the possibility of an accidental run-in with their better-off-without-them-ex-significant-other.  Let's examine what it takes to be a Liberty Tax mascot.

First things first, you can't deny how awful these outfits are.  I mean, they are just downright embarrassing.  And you can't win with them either.  You can either choose (and I'm really not even sure if they have a choice in the matter!) between the weird-looking mascot outfits with the misproportioned heads and tiny arms that look like they will topple over at any moment or the costumes without the gigantic head pieces that leave you subject to public embarrassment because everyone can see your face.  I can't tell which is the lesser of two evils.  

Second, you have to wave, constantly, all day long.  Sometimes I can see them waving from a mile away when no other cars are in sight.  I see you.  I do.  I'm just trying not to look for your sake.  And just because you're out here waving at me doesn't mean I'm trusting you with my taxes.  The exact opposite actually.  If this is what the outside is like I'd hate to see what kind of clowns are on the inside.  I'm also wondering if you get paid more to dance around like a drunk buffoon.  Or maybe I'm just way off base and those people actually love their jobs.  Who knows.  But on occasion you'll see ol' Lady Liberty or Uncle Sam gettin' down on the corner of 39th and Noland like it's a Soul Train audition.  No joke.  Whatever you're on, I'd like some.

Third, who makes their employees stand out on the street corner in freezing sleet at 6:45 in the morning when it's barely even light enough to see them?  Those poor saps.  I know those polyester red, white and blue costumes can't be that warm.  And that foam liberty spike headpiece is not a sufficient tool for keeping the heat in either.  Not only the cold but these guys will be out there in the scorching heat too.  Just sweating and probably wanting a water break but no, there are cars that need to be waved at.  Small children that need to be frightened.  So you better stay out there and man your post like a good mascot would.

The bottom line is, each time I see one of these sad little tax creatures I want to swoop them up in my car and take them far, far away where nobody will ever know the embarrassment they've suffered and the frostbite they've endured.  A place where you're free to wear whatever you want and waving is optional.  I guess until then, they'll just have to wait until April 15th for freedom.  Until next year anyway...